the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
