party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
