Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
