you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize