I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
