just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
