Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
