'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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