Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
