Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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