There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize