I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
