there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So much rum. So many feels.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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