but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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