When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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