some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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