Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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