i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
