I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
