Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
