i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
