I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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