My girlfriend figured out who you are.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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