but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
