UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize