I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
