i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
