Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
