The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
