yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
