You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
