how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
