I just gift wrapped bread.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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