My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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