Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
