Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
