if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
