i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
