Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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