She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
