you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
