I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
