She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're like the curious george of whores
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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