Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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