I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
