I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize