In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
