Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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