Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
