I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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