No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize