I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
