He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My bed smells like the plague
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