it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
