i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
