According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
