It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
