I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
