it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
