I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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