your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
