we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
