He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
