I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
