Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
