Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
