Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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