Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Randomize
