Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
