Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
