Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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